8 Signs You’ve Been Fatally Friendzoned

Of all the dirty words in all the world, ‘friendzone’ is surely the filthiest of all. Finding out you’re inhabiting the friendzone is the social equivalent of being told you have a terminal illness, and it’s a fate we wouldn’t wish on anyone.

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Still though, the only thing worse than finding out is not finding out. Sexual blackholes are no fun at all – especially when you don’t have a torch. So for those in doubt, prepare yourselves for a big old dose of reality. Here are ten pretty solid signs that you are the Mayor or Mayoress of one pretty bad neighbourhood.

1. Your ‘dates’ are actually group hangs.

If you guys regularly go out together, this is the sort of thing which could (very reasonably) give you the impression that love is on the horizon. But take a moment for a flashback – do you go out alone, or do they bring friends? If you chose the latter, chances are the object of your desire doesn’t see you as a date, but as one of a crowd of great buddies.

2. You know their sexual history in detail.

If they want to date you – or are at least entertaining the idea – they won’t regale you with tales of their past conquests. Dating 101 explicitly forbids the mention of exes and exploits – so if they’re oversharing, it’s probably a bad sign. Worse still is if they’re recollecting on their exes’ assets. If this sounds familiar, you have our deepest sympathies.

3. You’re their ‘go-to’ (when they need a favour).

Being relied upon can be a wonderful feeling – and is definitely the kind of thing that better halves do – but pay close attention to the nature of this dependence. Do they come to you with their problems, and repay you in kind? Or, the dark alternative, are you used exclusively for favours? The

4. They speak with you, honestly, all the time.

This is a huge one. As depressing as this truism may be, both guys and girls are rarely completely honest with the person they have feelings for. When you’re trying to impress someone, you either consciously or unconsciously omit the things which might make you look bad, so watch out for unabridged honesty. Guys should be especially wary of girl talk – the friend zone shares a border with Girlfriendsville, so don’t be their girlfriend. Ever.

5. They don’t even try to make you jealous.

A failsafe way to figure out if you’ve set up camp in the friendzone is to see ifthe guy or girl you like ever deliberately tries to make you jealous. Note: mentioning other prospects does not alone constitute an attempt – it’s all in the inflection and the context. If they’re talking about someone else and it isn’t rife with ulterior motives, you’re almost certainly in a platonic relationship.

6. You often see them at their worst.

We all have our secret behaviours and, as a rule, they do generally stay a secret – except in the company of those we feel most comfortable around. Hideous laughter, bizarre habits and anything remotely related to bad hygiene are things they’d at the very least avoid exposing you to, unless their feelings were 110% not sexual.

7. They “wish all guys/girls were like you”.

This one’s a killer. The problem is that this statement – hugely popular with friendzoners – is, in itself, a grand compliment. If you’re something everyone of your gender should aspire to, you’re obviously pretty great. In actual fact, they’re almost certainly not looking for something that they wish everyone could be. What all of us want is a glorious oddity, a unique snowflake and a one in seven billion.

8. Things that should lead to sex never do.

Do you guys ‘watch movies’ without the need for inverted commas? Do you go to restaurants and cinemas and bars and then go home separately every time? If you answered yes, we’re afraid to say you’re in friendzone territory. If there’s no sexual tension, there’s probably no hope.

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Our thoughts are with you, brave citizens of the friendzone.